So, I was up late one night watching TV in my room when one of those "too good to be true" infomercials comes on.
This infomercial in particular was about a product called the "slim 'N' lift"
Now, if you've never seen this product, let me tell you pretty much what it is. Its a pair of stockings that go all the way up to your boobs. you put it on, and it goes from your knee to your bra, basically, its meant to "squeeze" you skinny. your guaranteed to lose 4-6 inches off your waistline. So I watch this infomercial, and I gotta tell you, I'm impressed. So I go to Amazon and I order 2. No big, its amazon, I paid 7 each. SO I wait about 3 days, kinda excited to wear my anchor blue jeans again. I got them today. I won't tell you what size I ordered, but let's just say I ordered according to their size chart.
So I open it and its is TINY. So I figure thats normal, its meant to squeeze you skinny right?
well, I put it on and it didn't even go up to my KNEE!
so I'm bending over and getting all sweaty, and I stand up and look in the mirror and I'm BRIGHT FUCKING RED from the waist up, arms, chest, face, everything, from the lack of bloodflow to the bottom half.
okay, so wait, it gets better.....
I take out the nail clippers(who keeps scissors in their bathroom? Not Torri)and I clip a little slit into the top inseam to loosen it so it will go up my thunder thighs.
NO, so I trim it more
Still nothing. not even an inch higher.
There is another inseam in the middle, thats meant to go across your gut to suck it in, so I cut THAT inseam
after SERIOUSLY 20 minutes of pulling this thing over my thighs I get it past my thighs. ONLY TO BE STUCK AGAIN.
This time, under my ass. Now my ass was looking good with this tight little body stocking squeezing it up all firm and high and shit.
yeah, won't go past my ass
so I cut MORE inseam. finally I get it up over my ass, 15 minutes later and pull it to my just under my chest, but can't get it to fit in the crotch right, so I have this saggy crotch of stocking down to my mid thigh. Then I look in the mirror, um, yeah, the SLIT that I cut on the second inseam, it tore a hole in the stomach part of the stocking, so when I look in the mirror, NOT ONLY did it NOT suck in my fat rolls, it made them worse, AND, I had a huge CHUNK of FAT sticking out of this hole. Just a small golf ball sized buldge portruding out of this stocking, bright pink stretch marks and everything.
So then I can't breathe, my fat is bulging out of a hole and I have a saggy crotch. So I take said nail clippers and I have to CUT MYSELF out of this body sock.
My Anchor Blue jeans are obviously staying in the closet and now that I've mutilated this body corset, I can't return it.
Moral of the story is?
Keep a pair of scissors in your bathroom
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