Slim 'n' Fit.......a training document.....

So, I was up late one night watching TV in my room when one of those "too good to be true" infomercials comes on.

This infomercial in particular was about a product called the "slim 'N' lift"

Now, if you've never seen this product, let me tell you pretty much what it is. Its a pair of stockings that go all the way up to your boobs. you put it on, and it goes from your knee to your bra, basically, its meant to "squeeze" you skinny. your guaranteed to lose 4-6 inches off your waistline. So I watch this infomercial, and I gotta tell you, I'm impressed. So I go to Amazon and I order 2. No big, its amazon, I paid 7 each. SO I wait about 3 days, kinda excited to wear my anchor blue jeans again. I got them today. I won't tell you what size I ordered, but let's just say I ordered according to their size chart.

So I open it and its is TINY. So I figure thats normal, its meant to squeeze you skinny right?

well, I put it on and it didn't even go up to my KNEE!

so I'm bending over and getting all sweaty, and I stand up and look in the mirror and I'm BRIGHT FUCKING RED from the waist up, arms, chest, face, everything, from the lack of bloodflow to the bottom half.

okay, so wait, it gets better.....

I take out the nail clippers(who keeps scissors in their bathroom? Not Torri)and I clip a little slit into the top inseam to loosen it so it will go up my thunder thighs.

NO, so I trim it more

Still nothing. not even an inch higher.

There is another inseam in the middle, thats meant to go across your gut to suck it in, so I cut THAT inseam

after SERIOUSLY 20 minutes of pulling this thing over my thighs I get it past my thighs. ONLY TO BE STUCK AGAIN.

This time, under my ass. Now my ass was looking good with this tight little body stocking squeezing it up all firm and high and shit.

yeah, won't go past my ass

so I cut MORE inseam. finally I get it up over my ass, 15 minutes later and pull it to my just under my chest, but can't get it to fit in the crotch right, so I have this saggy crotch of stocking down to my mid thigh. Then I look in the mirror, um, yeah, the SLIT that I cut on the second inseam, it tore a hole in the stomach part of the stocking, so when I look in the mirror, NOT ONLY did it NOT suck in my fat rolls, it made them worse, AND, I had a huge CHUNK of FAT sticking out of this hole. Just a small golf ball sized buldge portruding out of this stocking, bright pink stretch marks and everything.

So then I can't breathe, my fat is bulging out of a hole and I have a saggy crotch. So I take said nail clippers and I have to CUT MYSELF out of this body sock.

My Anchor Blue jeans are obviously staying in the closet and now that I've mutilated this body corset, I can't return it.

Moral of the story is?

Keep a pair of scissors in your bathroom

New decade

So, I think I figured out this whole blog thing. I didn't like it in the beginning, but then I saw this little layout and kinda fiddled with it and its not to bad. I grabbed the best of the best of my blogs from myspace and put them in here. A few of them still make me laugh. I'll keep fiddling with it and learn the ropes of the pictures and stuff. I see some other blogs are really cute and well put together. Any tips would be great.

So, with that said, it's 2010!!! woot woot!!! A whole new year, better yet, its a whole new DECADE to make change. June 1st will be my 10 year high school anniversary, holy crow!! Am I really that old already!! Where did it go? You look around everyday and nothing changes, but the second you look back, nothing is the same. It going to fast and I think I'm missing it. So its time to slow down. and enjoy my kids before they get to old and want to be "independent". Living in San Diego has kind of given me that chance. We are gonna go to Sea World more often, the Zoo, we are so close to Legoland and Disneyland that it just makes sense to go there more often also. And we are! Its gonna happen. Of course, we need an annual pass to these places if we wanted to be smart about it. Enjoy the beaches of Carlsbad, the amusement of Anaheim, and the youth of our children.

Okay, so here's a gay story. Mike and I went to Blockbuster the other night to get a few movies and they had a sale 4 for 20$. So we bought 4 and rented 2, but that's not the story. Now this is the story. I don't know what happened to me. When I was younger, I had no problems with scary movies. I could watch just about anything. I'd be good. No night fears, not freakouts in the dark, I wouldn't peek out of my bedspread to see if there was someone standing at the end of my bed. I was good. Nah, not anymore, I went retarded. I watched The Ring, TV was in the hallway. I watched The Grudge, didn't go to Japanese homes. I watched Stay Alive, I don't play video games, etc, etc... Yeah I'm a loser. Well so anyway. We went to Blockbuster and rented Pulse. If you've never heard of it, it's more or less a rip off of White Noise. Ghosts coming out of your cell phone and phone lines connected to the computer, etc.. Anywhere there was a signal. So we're watching Pulse and I'm covering my eyes, like a loser. Now I was fine the first night, cause my logic is always this.... If a monster or ghost is gonna get me while Mike is laying next to me, I'ma throw that bastard in front and run... tee hee, yeah I'm a mean loser. So the first night I was okay, cause Mike was home, but the next day the boat went to sea and so last night, my first night alone, I'm turning off the light and RUNNING to my bed and jumping so that whatever is under the bed can't grab me, and I QUICKLY pulled the blankets over my head and bundled up good, my theory here is that if they can't see me, they can't get me. And I'm peeking out of the blankets actually expecting to see a white shadowy figure standing over me, why?? Cause I'm a loser. Yeah, I am. So I'm laying here singing the ABC's over and over again till I get drowsy enough to just fall asleep versus laying there awake and thinking about stuff, cause then you hear every noise and you see shadows get bigger and bigger in the dark. So that was my night, my loser story. And now I'm siting here on the computer that is connected to the internet and the ghosts can get me in the daytime just as easy as they could in the night, but I'm not as big a loser in the daytime, I wonder what tonight will be like. God I'm such a loser.

WARNING!! THE FOLLOWING CONTENT IS NOT SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN UNDER THE AGE OF ANYTHING. THE FOLLOWING GRAMMAR IS NOT FOR THE EASILY GROSSED OUT OR THE SUPERIORILY EASILY OFFENDED BY DRASTIC VULGARITY. PROCEED AT YOUR OWN RISK:

Alrighty then. Here is the layout of my evening. Today is my friend Kathy's birthday, so last night some of us chicks, and the men we married went downtown to have some fun. And I'll tell you, it was a blast. I never finished a drink before another one magically appeared. They were going faster than fast. So as we sit there, waiting for another member of our party to RE-JOIN us after forgetting her ID and having to travel back to the land of children and responsability to retrieve it, I take it upon myself to get a relatively drastic head start with the evening. By the time our friend came back, I had finished number 8 and 9 was on its way. So yeah, good times. We laughed, we shook our asses, hell we made fun of the disturbing fat people who wors Madonna's clothes to the bar. It was gnarly, anyways, we bumped asses together, cause sir mix alot said so, and we made a few potty breaks, where by the way, some retarded douchebag had problems finding the garbage can cause the dumbass decided the middle sink was good enough to UPCHUCK her meals from New Years everywhere. It was beautifully done, I was jealous. Not really. So we prevented hot head men from starting trouble and yadda yadda yadda. So 2Am rolls around and I figure I better head on out cause the babysitter has a little one and I felt bad enough as it was that she was sleeping on my couch, so I thought I better go home, so we split the cab fare with our party happy amigos and the whole trip back, me and my girl just pretty much laughed at the retarded driver and the ding dong he was talking to, cause they were funny. I'm doing pretty good all night, not nausea, no headache, it's a good night, till I get outta the cab. And I'm pretty sure that's what kicked my ass, on top of the sloshing of the stomach contents from the drunk sex EVERYONE has to have when drinking. So I'm freezing my ass off all night, I always do when I've had to many, I FREEZE like I'm gonna die, my teeth chatter, and I shake real bad, so I buried myself into Mike's back cause he is always on fire, and it was warm, but then my stomach made a funny sound and then it cramped and I thought oh shit, I'm gonna make dookie in my panties. SO I jump up (BAD IDEA) to run to the pot and Imade it, sat down and proceeded to let out the worst smelling, acid burning shit, I have ever done. My pooper was on fire, so the smell was horrific and I'm already nauseous, so what else can I do, I jump up and turn around and proceed to let it out the front end, not ever having gotten the chance to flush the acid shit down the drain. I'm staring at this steaming pile of acid while I toss massive amounts of chunks and I thought I was gonna die. All night that was my routine. I thought to myself, why can't I puke first, then have the acid drip outta my pooper, I swear, if I didn't have hemoroids before, I do now, the force of the push had to have had some permanent results. After the second time of smelling the turd while puking, I got smart and dragged the garbage can over to the toilet so it wasn't as horrific. All day, I have been passing in and out. And I still had the upchucks all day. It wasn't until I finally decided to brave a candy bar did I begin to feel any better. I ate it and boom, it was okay, I felt okay, I had the energy to pick up the hurricane my kids had left everywhere from my lack of parenting before getting hot and dizzy and having to return my fat butt to the safety of the couch. So the moral of the story here is what?

Take a Snickers to the Bar.

Okay, so I tossed my girls in the tub, then I scrubbed em up and took em out. Now mind you, Mayson is old enough to stay in the tub alone and I don't have to worry about her, so I go downstairs to get carlie dressed and leave Mayson to finish up on her own. So she comes downstairs in her nightgown and all is good, (NOT) she didn't drain the tub (which she knows she is supposed to do when she is done) so we are all downstairs and having a good time when I remember that I gotta change carlie's bed, so I go up and do that and while I'm at it, I change into my comfy clothes for the night. So Mayson comes into my room and says she's gonna brush her teeth, okay, no biggie, so I ask, where is your sister......." In the bathtub" I say what? Why are you playing in the bathroom? She says she was gonna brush her teeth and Carlie followed her, so no big deal, that makes sense, except!!! Mayson DID NOT drain the bathtub. SO I go in there and Carlie, in her Pajamas, is sitting in the middle of the FULL bathtub, dumping the cup of water on her head. She sees me and waves, then laughs and starts to scoot her butt around like she's trying to escape. What a little shit. I'm irritated the tub wasn't drained. But boy, I wish I woulda grabbed my camera before I took her back out, cause that was friggin funny, cute and a typical baby moment.

So for those that were wondering about my TV issue. Read my blog to find out what had happened. I went back with my note and the lady there proceeded to tell me that it was after 6 months, the company didn't refund that late, the manufacturer, yadda yadda, I tried to be nice. Hell I even told her that I got the note to spare the next person I talked to about the TV the fury I had built up over the crap I've been going through over it. So I just flat out said, Gimme a manager. I don't want you or a coach or anyone else, I want every manager you have on duty right here, right now. What did I get? A coach. Yeah, and the TV item number was ringing up at less than 900$ which is definetley a hell of a lot less than what we paid for it. SO I got mad about that, FINALLY, my manager gets to me, yay, I explained again for the 20th time, the issue, she turned her key, pushed some buttons, and voila, I got me entire refund and while I was at it, I just happened to lie and say that I was also told I could get the 75$ warranty refund back since it had never got the chance to kick in. I thought why the hell should I keep a funckin warranty nobody is honoring? Give me my cash back. So they did. We got our gift card, and went to buy another BIGGER TV that is an LCD. I'm pretty happy. I had so much left over, I got a new movie, we went shopping for Mike and I still have like 10 bux on it. And the best part was when we got home. HAHAHA, the stand we bought had been set up for Plasma installation, not LCD, so we were like, oh shit, how do we set it up? Looking at the back, it needed a special mounting kit. 80bux, DAMN. So I'm like Holy hell, why do we keep getting kicked here. So Mike was like, hell no, I'm a man, and I'ma Nigga rig it to fit the TV. And he did. He got out his drill and made some new hole, we mounted the TV and it's just fine and dandy. So that is my story of how much I hate Sam's Club. How much I hate big heavy TV's and how much People really do suck. I should be a car salesman.

grabbed my blog from myspace( so its a little backdated)

Okay. So I am OOBER PISSED. And here is why. Okay, so last November Mike re-enlisted and got a pretty nice Bonus. Using this bonus, we paid off the bills/credit cards, flew out the parents for christmas and had a nice little holiday, and he bought himself a car. PLUS, we went and finished off our living room. For thos that don't remember, we had a couch. That is it. I had Mayson's little 19 inch princess TV in the Living room so we could watch movies and stuff. So with the bonus, we went and bought a nice coffee table(I LOVE my coffee table), a nifty TV stand and a 46 inch plasma screen TV for the nifty TV stand. Now when we bought the TV, I thought to myself, "well, this is not a cheap TV, so I think it would be wise to purchase the extended warranty in case anything happened to it" so we did. We got the Tv and the warranty. Together, it was spendy. So we get home and of course the mutha fuckin TV is as heavy as it could possibly be, but we got it up on the stand and hung and everything. Now remember, I said this happened last November and I bought an extended warranty. Well, about a week ago, we turn on the boob tube and what do we see??? About 6 inches of the left side is blacked out. A nice little strip down the side of the TV, from top to bottom, six inches wide. so it took 1 fourth of the screen away. We tried resetting the TV, we tried changing the TV format, we tried the DVD player and the PS2, guess what? The mutha fucker burned out the entire left side. 9 MONTHS after we bought it. I am OOBER PISSED at this point then I remember, yay for the extended warranty. NO! I called the company and they're like, we can't return TV's after 6 months from date of purchase. Then they proceeded to say we needed to fill out the warranty registration and submit it to the manufacturer for replacement. Um, 1. The dumb thing had nothing in it, not even a friggin setup guide, we winged it. 2. We live in fucking hawaii, what the hell good is a manufacturer that is either gonna tell us it's gonna cost us hundreds of dollars to ship out another one and return the other one, or tell us tough shit. I'm not happy. Now raise your hand if you know that when Torri gets mad and wants something, she's gonna fucking get it. I called the Corporation that sold me the TV and I didn't even care who answered the goddam phone, I was already livid. I proceeded to scream at the poor girl, I think she might have cried. I felt bad, but I wanted my effin TV fixed. SO I'm yellin at her and she's telling me the manufacturer has the warranty for the first year and AFTER the first year, the warranty I bought from the company would kick in. Did that make me feel better?? No, It pissed me off more. I bought a warranty that wasn't even good for another 3 months. That started another stream of words I shall not repeat. So I'm screaming at this girl, "what the hell good is a damn warranty if your effin company isn't going to honor it, yadda yadda, What would Navy Jag say if I explained this to them, yadda yadda" Oh ma'am no need to get any lawyers involved. SOOOOO, they tell me, I have to have a receipt. I scream some more. What douchebag (not this one) keeps an effin receipt for 9 months. I used a membership card to pay for the damn thing, what the hell is a membership card if they can't pull up my account activity, right?? So That started me up again. I tell you, I made this girl cry. ANd after she calmed down and I took a breather, Through gritted teeth, I explained it again. " I bought the TV 9 MONTHS ago. I bought an additional 80Dollar warranty from the STORE. It DOES NOT WORK and You guys are gonna fix it." So she sends me to the general manager of the store I bought it at. He then tells me that It's gonna take 48 hours for home office to locate and fax over a copy of my receipt to the store and once they got it, he would call me and I could take back my TV for either a store credit, a gift card or an exchange. All I want is the damn exchange. Now mind you, I called about this TV last FRIDAY. He told me he would call me by MONDAY, today is the following FRIDAY and I hadn't heard from him. I tried calling the store ALL WEEK multiple times a day and NO ANSWER. So guess what miss attitude did. I drove to the fucking store and proceeded to ask for every manager they had on duty. I was not leaving without my new TV. And to help my temper, the girl at the counter started her shit about the whole TV's can't be returned after 6 months. Guess who got mad? Me, that's who. Poor lady got frazzled when I was done with her. BUT, I got my receipt, I have a WRITTEN Authorization from the Manager today stating that I was going to bring my fucked up TV in tomorrow and get a new one, (I think he was trying to spare the next lady that talked to me, LOL) I would have brought it back today, but you have any idea how heavy those mutha's are, good lawd. So as soon as Mike gets home in the morning, guess where we goin? damn straight, I want my fucking TV fixed.